East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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