Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
