At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She told me I should be a condom model.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
