mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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