I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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