haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think i peed on brittanys purse
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
