someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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