My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
