this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize