I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
