i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
