Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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