You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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