Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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