That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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