i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
