U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize