Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
