i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
FUCK WHALES
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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