sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
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