I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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