Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
