Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
