The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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