I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The uberlube is also flammable
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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