A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
