Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
