was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
