"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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