Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
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