I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
