Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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