I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize