Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Found the puke drawer
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize