Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
