On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize