he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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