so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
