I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
