I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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