my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
this is an emotional support booty call
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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