Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
