Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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