i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
