I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
