my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
