The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize