I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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