I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
