Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
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