I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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