She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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