I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
