chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize