Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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