Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
