Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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