that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You pole danced in your parka.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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