This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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