how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
